Hey friends! I know its been a while since I’ve posted for you. Things are crazy around here, as I’m sure they are for you as well. COVID-19 has for sure changed our daily routines! My daughter has been out of daycare for almost 8 weeks. I am still working, but things are harder to manage with her at home all the time. How are you holding up? Has this time been challenging for you?
I’ve been at a loss of what to write….feeling very uninspired. So, I decided to bring it back to why I started this blog in the first place. Going through my divorce was painful, and it truly transformed my life. I now consider it part of my testimony and I would love to share that story with you.
The most important thing that I learned during this time was that God is with you during ALL times….good and bad. The harder that you seek Him, the more powerful you will feel His presence. Hopefully, my story will help you be able to find some sort of peace during this time and if you are struggling, encourage you to seek Him with everything you have.
Shortly after the birth of my daughter, my marriage started unraveling. I was dealing with mild post-partum, and we were both very overworked. We were busy, stressed, financially strapped, and simply not in a good place. My husband started pulling away. I questioned an affair, but he assured me that was not the case.
When my daughter was 10 months old, my husband left. He was deep in an affair, with a much younger woman. I believe that he couldn’t see a way out of the mess he had created. The events that transpired in the next few months, leading up to our divorce, were some of the most painful events I have ever been through. I would lay awake a night, unable to rest, uncontrollably crying, not understanding why I was going through this pain.
Every night I had the same prayer….”Please Lord. Please change him into the man that I need him to be.” I begged this prayer through my tears, sadness, confusion, and anger. I just knew that if God could “fix” him, “change” him, then he would realize his mistake and come home.
After a few weeks of praying this, with no change, I had an insanely painful night. I literally was crying out to God. I had no idea why I was being put through this horrible situation. I felt alone…..completely and totally stranded. I cried out to God and asked Him why I was alone. Why did I have to go through this….what was the purpose? But most importantly, why am I alone??? In that moment, I literally felt Him speak to me. He told me I was not alone…I had never been alone. He was with me, in my mourning. In my confusion. In my anger. He was there with me…..always. I felt a sense of peace. As if he literally was sitting on the foot of my bed.
The prayer that I had been praying changed me, too. I felt selfish and ashamed. It was not my place to ask God to change my husband into the man that I wanted him to be…..But that God needed him to be. For me to be the woman God needed to me to be. Those prayers were laid on my heart that night, and became my daily prayers. All day….from the time I got up until I attempted to rest again, “God, Please. Please help him to become the man that You need him to be. Help me grow into the woman that You need me to be. Make me better. Change me. Remove anything from my life that stunts this process. “
Immediately my life changed-as in the very next day. I had women reaching out to me from every area of my life, sharing their stories with me. Asking me for guidance and help. I had a friend (who I loved dearly, but was a huge stumbling block in my walk) contact me and tell me that she could no longer be friends with me. Yall……there is no explanation for that other than God giving me exactly what I asked for. And it hurt. It hurts when people you love step out of your life, even if you know its the right thing.
Every day following became a little bit easier. There were still a lot of tears. A lot of anger. A lot of confusion. But each day it became a tiny bit more bearable. Ultimately, my husband’s choices and decisions are between him and God. I could not force him to do anything. I could not “make him” into a different type of man. I chose to let go of any aspect of control I thought I had over my husband and the situation, (we all love to have control in some way or another) and I decided to control the only thing that I could. Myself.
I chose to get re-baptized. Focus all of my energy and time on growing myself as a mother, friend, woman, and nurse. I started finding a new joy in my job, and Christ started giving me opportunities to help bring peace to those who were hurting and dying. Sometimes, my mind would be blown at how God would take things that I had prayed over, and bring them out the very next day. I started prioritizing new relationships. I focused on my daughter and trying to be a stable place for her.
I continued to be blessed- financially, spiritually, with friendships, and in my growth-time after time. God had used everything I was going through for some sort of good. Was I still hurting? Absolutely. Choosing to stay the course during that painful time ended up changing my life.
I can honestly say that while my marriage did not survive, reconciliation did not happen, and I underwent three years of therapy due to PTSD, self-esteem issues, and overall self-help, I would not be in the place that I am today if I had not cried out and turned to God that night. If I had not opened myself up to Him and allowed Him to do the deep work that needed to be done, I would probably still be in a deep place of hurting and loneliness.
I hope and pray that during this time of isolation, uncertainty, stress, and change, that you will not forget your purpose. You will not forget Who brings you peace. Cry out to Him. Seek Him. He is with you…..You are not alone. If you enjoy song, try Elevation Worship, See a Victory. It speaks to exactly what you may be going through.
My testimony, and this story is why I started this blog. I felt God calling me in 2019 to share my journey with you….wherever you are in your walk. You can read more about why I started my blog here. I knew that this particular post would be written at some point, but it took me a lot of courage and vulnerability to get here. I had no idea how it would come to fruition, or that we would be met with a global pandemic this year. I do know that nothing is done without a purpose. Nothing is too big for God. Not even a global pandemic. Not your anxiety. Not your fear. Nothing. Seek Him and find peace today.
“And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:7