Let me start by saying that I hate divorce. God hates divorce. And for good reason. But before you let that run you off, please keep reading.
Divorce breaks families. Divorce hurts people. Divorce causes you to do things out of emotion that you may regret later on down the road. It is hurtful for everyone involved….not just you and your spouse. It can tear your family apart, harm your children’s view of relationships, hurt your self-esteem, and cause lasting emotional and financial hardships.
While I do believe that fighting for your marriage is the best thing you can do, it may not always end up the way that you would like for it too. Some marriages can not be saved, and some people do not want to be in a marriage regardless of the amount of pleading, begging, or asking that you may do. I hope you never have to be touched by divorce, but unfortunately, the statistics speak for themselves. Divorce is on the rise. There are probably dozens of things that are important to remember during a divorce, but I’ve included 5 of the most important.
(Please, if you or your children are experiencing any type of abuse, or are in danger, seek immediate help)
Things to remember during the divorce process:
1. Get a good lawyer. Even if you are short on cash or think you and your soon-to-be ex can be amicable, get a good lawyer. A lawyer that represents you, not the both of you. Call around and ask for free consultations to find out who has experience. Who will fight for what is important to you. Someone who will be respectful of your time and money.
You can (and should) do your best to try and communicate with your spouse and come to an agreement on your own. That’s in the best interest of everyone. If you can’t come to an agreement, you must be prepared to fight in court. Think about the long term. What can you live with as far as custody, visitation, finances, possessions? Where can you give a little and where do you draw your line? Think about all of things on your own and be prepared to discuss them in detail with your lawyer.
2. Start saving money now. Divorces are expensive. Probably more expensive then your wedding. You will be looking at a new place to live, furnishing it, and paying the bills all on your own. Maybe for the first time in years. Work overtime, pick up odd jobs, and cut all extra non-essential costs during this time. Trust me….it will get better. Right now, focus on the immediate needs of you and your children. Do NOT plan on child support. It is not guaranteed, and your divorce could drag on for months. Find a way to support yourself and your children during this time. Throughout my divorce process and the year following, I negotiated a cheaper rent and then ultimately moved in with my parents. I worked 3 (yes, 3) jobs. I literally did nothing except work, sleep, and try to spend some time with my daughter. Survival mode is hard, but it won’t last forever.
3. Your spouse will feel like a stranger. There were so many times during this process that I didn’t even recognize the man I had married. I would be frozen in the moment…stunned at what was happening. How could this man, the man of my dreams, be doing this to me? Who was he? How did we get here?
Just try to take a deep breath, have a little grace, and always pause before responding. Remember that most, if not all of the things that are being said out of anger are about HIM, not you. If you begin to have feelings of worthlessness, or of being unloved, open your Bible. Reach out to the One who loves you most.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8
4. Its going to hurt, a lot. There were so many nights that I would lay in bed, crying, unable to sleep. Most days, I don’t know how I worked and managed to take care of my daughter. I lost a significant amount of weight, and lived almost entirely on Diet Coke. It felt like a part of my heart had literally been pulled out of my chest. I walked around in a fog of sadness, emptiness, and disbelief. There were days when I woke up and believed, if even for a second, that it was a nightmare…..then I realized the truth of my life.
But I promise you…..These feelings are temporary. This is why your support system, whoever that may be, is gold. Call them. Go have lunch with them. Get your butt into church. Find a really good therapist. Above all, remember that you have a God that loves you more than any person on this Earth every could.
5. You WILL be OK. Remember how I said this was temporary? It is. Time will go by and your divorce will be final. You will slowly sink into a new “normal” of single-ness again. You will learn how to run a household alone, maybe for the first time. You will be OK. Each day will get a tiny bit better. Remember to keep putting one foot in front of the other and take baby steps every single day. This road that you are on is NOT your destination. You will look back on this one day and realize how much stronger you are because of it.
“My heart might be bruised, but it will recover and become capable of seeing beauty of life once more. It’s happened before, it will happen again, I’m sure. When someone leaves, it’s because someone else is about to arrive–I’ll find love again.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Zahir
Have you been divorced? Are you currently going through one? What did you find most helpful during that time? I’d love to know your thoughts!
Christy Woods Scott says
I am 8 years post divorce and the best thing we did from the start (we being my ex and myself) was keep our comments about our divorce and the other person (if it wasn’t positive) to ourselves when we were with our children. It isn’t their fault. They didn’t ask for this. They don’t want to be made to feel like they have to choose sides. They want to have birthdays together, Christmas together, and celebrate momentous occasions in their lives together. We have done a great job doing this for our kids. It is what they deserve…if it is at all possible.
Lindsey says
That is a great piece of advice. I know it can be hard to do at times, but remembering to put them first goes a long way!