Last week, I hosted a girls group. I met quite a few new ladies, one of whom is facing a divorce. She pulled me aside to ask about what she should include in her divorce decree. I realized that there are very few online resources educating women on how to make the most of their divorces. So, I decided to put together a list of what every mom should ask for in a divorce.
Its in the details. During this process, details matter. You do not want to be six months post divorce arguing with your ex about what time to pick up your child because it was missed in the paperwork. You don’t want to miss a birthday party, or school event, because you didn’t think to include those things in your divorce.
This article will not cover financial aspects of divorce, such as taxes, selling of property, or even child support. This is specific to visitation and provisions regarding your kids. This article also assumes that you have primary physical custody and shared legal custody. (I am not a lawyer and nothing here should be taken as legal advice. These are things I have learned from experience.) If you want to read more about divorce tips, click here.
1. Specific time together/times of exchange
It is not good enough to say one of you gets every other weekend. Have you ever tried to do exchanges with someone who wants to make everything difficult?? If it is spelled out in black and white then there will be no negotiations. Simply stick to the paperwork and do not waver.
Would you rather your paperwork say “Every other weekend” or “The first and third weekend of the month to start at 7 pm on Friday and end at 3 pm Sunday. Exchanges to take place at Father’s house. Mother responsible for transport to and from Father’s house.” See the difference?? No room for miscommunication.
2. Holidays/School Breaks
What counts as a holiday to you? Are you religious? There are 10 Federal holidays, but 36 celebrated holidays in America. It’s important to line out what you value and how to split them. Will holidays take the place of regular visitation? Will you share them or alternate? How will you handle when school is out for an extra day? Will the other parent get that parenting time?
What about summer…..Will you continue with regular visitation, or have extended summer time for vacations? At what age will summer visitation start? It may not make sense to have summer or school breaks if your child is 2, but eventually he or she will be in school. My decree states to start summer visitation after the completion of first grade, for example.
3. Speaking of Vacations…
Are you both allowed to take the kids out of the country? Will you need the other parents permission? Will vacations only take place on parenting time? Can your kids fly alone? Who can go on vacations with them…Girlfriends and boyfriends of you and your ex? Spell this out now, and remember that as your life changes and your kids grow, other people will eventually step into the picture.
4. If you can’t agree, who makes the final decision?
Assuming you have joint legal custody, who makes the final say if you can’t agree on which school your child should attend? Will you go back to court? Will you seek council from your church? This needs to be someone neutral and fair, not someone who is biased to one of you. Hopefully, you will never come to needing this, but there may be times when you can not agree on something that is extremely important.
5. Can you or your ex move?
You get an amazing job opportunity in another state. Your ex meets someone in the military and wants to move. Will you have provisions in your decree preventing this? If you move, you will be going back to court. You must serve your ex before you move and the court must give you permission. (This is not to be taken as actual legal advice. Please consult your lawyer in this situation.) Things will change. You will revisit your visitation agreement and must decide on transport, how often visitation will occur, who pays for what, etc. I’m not really a fan of addressing this now, as no one knows the future. But, it may be very important to you to have your ex live close to you. I think this would be most helpful if your kids are older and you don’t want them changing schools. Just know that if it happens years from now, you will need to readdress it.
6. What about uncovered costs?
You may have child support, but you need to think big picture. In some cases, 18 years big picture. How will you split uncovered medical costs, therapy, braces, extra-curricular activities, your child’s first car, car insurance, college, etc. Think long-term here. Think of all the possibilities that could arise down the road.
7. What happens if you die?
Morbid. I know. But what happens if you die? It would be wise to have a provision somewhere regarding life insurance with you and your ex as the beneficiaries until your child is a certain age. Kids are expensive. Make sure you or your ex are doing your best to make smart financial decisions.
8. Anything else you find important
It may be important to you to discuss safety, media, and other items. Who can your child ride in the car with? Will your child have his own phone? At what age? Where will your child sleep…with siblings or alone? Can there be overnight guests of the opposite sex….what counts as overnight? What about smoking and alcohol around your child?
As you can see, there are dozens of things to think about when creating a divorce decree regarding children. It is in everyone’s best interest to try and settle out of court with your ex if at all possible. The two of you know what is best for your family….much better than a judge. You will have to give a little. My suggestion is to write out everything you want- your “best case” scenario. And then figure out what you can live with. Try your very hardest to mediate and agree. If it comes down to it, you will go to court and fight, but this will not be in the best interest of anyone, most importantly your children.
I am sorry you are going through this difficult time. Believe me when I say, I completely understand all of the feelings you are having right now. I hope that you find some comfort in this article and can create a list of what you want for your children. Ultimately, this is about them and what is best for them moving forward.
If you are divorced, what do you wish you would have included in your decree regarding your kids?
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