In the past few weeks, I’ve had several women approach me regarding grace. Specifically handling difficult people with grace. It definitely seems that emotions are running high right now, and there are plenty of chances to show grace to others, but what exactly is grace? How do we show it? It’s not as simple as you may think. And acting in grace?? At time, hard.
Have you ever had a difficult co-worker? One that gossips, starts drama, and manipulates? What about that family member that is hot-tempered, judgmental, and petty? These can be hard people to get along with, much less show grace towards. If anyone knows about growth in grace, it’s me. My ex-husband is one of those difficult people. Like…..the most. Narcissistic, angry, and very difficult on all aspects of parenting. My journey to communicate with him has been the biggest training in grace, and has actually flowed into other relationships in my life. But….how did I get here? It wasn’t easy to say the least.
But, how?
- It starts with patience. Psalm 103:8 states, “The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love.” SLOW TO ANGER. SLOW. Patience is one of the biggest keys. You must learn to be patient with yourself. This is a learning process and you will not change overnight. But just as the Lord is slow to anger with us, we must be slow to anger with others. You must learn to be patient with others. When someone at work is not understanding your emails, your spouse hasn’t taken out the trash (for the 126th time), have patience with them. Patience will slowly transform into grace, and will also help you control other emotions as well.
- Always be the adult. Take the time to explain yourself if you’ve wronged someone. If you think there is a miscommunication, say so. The other day at work, a new employee was having an awful day. She rounded the corner and heard me say, “I think she’s having a bad day.” I was responding to someone who asked how she was, but she interpreted it as me gossiping about her. The following day, I made sure to find her, assure her I was not talking about her, and that I wanted her to know she had mine and everyone on the teams support. I followed up with asking her how she was, and listening. I also made sure I checked in with her a few times that day, so she knew I was genuine. It was a miscommunication that took 2 minutes to clear up. Had I not gone to her and humbled myself, she might still think that she was being talked about.
It’s not about you…..
- Give people the benefit of the doubt. If you have ever had an incredibly hard night and then had to go to work the next day, you probably weren’t presenting the best version of yourself. But beyond a hard night, have you ever been stuck in a hard season? What kind of person were you then? Trust me, I was stuck in a HARD season for 3 years. I was not even close to being the kind of person I wanted to be. I was snappy, angry, exhausted, in pain, and depressed. Not really bringing my best to work or other relationship. I am beyond grateful for those people in my life who showed me grace.
- You never know what someone is dealing with behind closed doors. The way that they speak to you, the fact that they forgot something important, their level of energy or connectedness, probably has nothing to do with you. Do not take it personally. Once you understand that, you find that it’s easier to be kind.
What about the really difficult people…….
- When dealing with a narcissist, or a highly emotional person, sometimes no response is necessary. If you are being unnecessarily attacked via text, email, or even in person, you do NOT have to respond. A simple “OK” can solve a lot of issues. Of course, it feels better in the moment to mouth off if you are being attacked. To defend yourself, name-call the other person, and set them straight. But, once you learn that it is better to actually just ignore these heated moments, you will feel better, learn patience, and start your process of showing grace.
- Along the same line, you need to learn that “Hurt people hurt people.” Man, once I understood this, my life changed. I realized that the hurtful things that were done to me and said to me were not about me. They were a reflection of the person saying and doing them. When someone is angry with themselves, hurt deeply, or lost, they take it out on the people closest to them. This may come from your parents, spouse, co-workers, or best friends. Do not take it personally. If you can master this, your life will improve ten-fold.
Just Breathe.
- Practice the art of responding, not reacting. Reactionary behaviors tend to be emotional. They can be heated, snappy, and elevate a tense situation. They tend to be your first response, so watch out! Responsive behaviors, though, consider the outcome of the situation. They take the time to fully understand and hear the other person before responding. This is a great example of grace, taking the time to truly see the other person.
- And finally, practice the pause. Pause before speaking. Put your phone down when the other person is speaking to you. Do not think about your response while they are talking. Listen. Take a breath, then respond. The pause is your moment to shift from reactionary to responsive, and speak with grace.
So, as you can see, Growing in Grace is a practice. It will require you retraining your thinking, speaking, and actions. You need prayer. God can and will help you with this, if you simply ask. Be prepared though, when asking to grow in grace, He is going to give you opportunities to practice. You might encounter more difficult people, or situations temporarily, to help you with your growth.