I never really considered what “type” of parent I was, until I had to explain what I say and do with my daughter to my nanny. After explaining our routine, discipline, behaviors, etc., it was obvious to me I had been practicing positive parenting since her birth. I honestly believe in this type of parenting, and think it is a great way to raise your family.
In this post, when I refer to parent, I’m speaking to anyone who may play a significant part in a child’s life….be it mother, father, step-parent, grandparent, foster parent, etc. This post also covers topics that tend to be controversial in parenting. I am not an expert in the field of parenting, nor have I conducted any research studies. I just know what works for me, and what I’ve read through various books regarding parenting. Please do your research, and adapt based on the needs of your family
So, What IS Positive Parenting?
Positive Parenting could be defined as “nurturing, empowering, and nonviolent. Providing recognition and guidance involving a set of boundaries to facilitate the full development of a child.” There is a lot of research surrounding the definition of and examples of positive parenting, but basically, it comes down to being aware of your child’s emotions, and responding in a positive way.
Attachment
Attachment parenting is based on the principles of nurture, support, love, respect, sensitivity, and positive discipline. This starts at birth. I personally don’t believe that you can “spoil” an infant by holding him too much. Infants were made to be held. When my daughter was born, we did a lot of skin-to-skin. This is especially important directly after birth. If everyone is well, make sure to ask your nurses and MD for at least an hour of this time uninterrupted. We asked my family to wait, so that we could have this time alone. It is very crucial to the bonding of you and your baby. You can also do this in the OR if you’ve had a C-section, just make sure you discuss with your MD ahead of time so she can help accommodate this.
Once you’re home, make sure to carve out time to continue to have skin-to-skin. You can do this while feeding your baby, during her nap time, or just whenever you want to hold her. Other parent figures can participate in this as well. Get them involved. This early bonding creates a life time of feeling secure and helping to build trust in these little humans.
As a single mom, I haven’t been able to be at home as much as I’d like. In fact, when my daughter was around 15 weeks old, I worked 21 days in a row, as I was working 2 jobs. I’ve worked 2-3 jobs at a time since her birth. Trust me, I completely understand the financial pressures of life. Try your best to be available to your child as much as possible during these early times. Focus on quality time. Give her your undivided attention. And, if you are lucky enough, stay home during the first few months of her life so that you can bond, provide for her emotional needs, and help her feel attached and secure.
Discipline
The words that we say to our children matter. They will repeat what they hear, to others, and in self-talk. I made the decision a long time ago to never call my daughter a “bad child.” Instead, I ask her “was that a good choice or a bad choice?” and then we discuss what we can do next time. I do not want her to ever catergorize herself as a “bad” person. There are no bad people, just bad choices. It’s very important that when you talk to your child you are on his level and you keep your voice at a decent volume.
Setting realistic expectations is also important. You can’t have 50 rules in your house and expect a 3 year old to remember and follow all of them. Be very clear with what he can and can not do, but remind him in the moment. For example, “Hitting the dog is a bad choice. Please don’t hit the dog.” If he makes the choice to hit the dog, you might choose to give him one more warning, “I asked you not to hit the dog. It is unkind. If you hit the dog again, you will get a time-out. “ If he chooses to hit the dog again, quickly move him to a quiet loctation away from the dog. Let him cool down, sit for a few minutes, then go to him. GET ON HIS LEVEL, and explain why hitting the dog is a bad choice. It is unkind and disrespectful. Why did he hit the dog? (let him explore his feelings) What could we do next time instead? (Help him come up with an alternative choice) Remind him that he is loved, and move on.
Helping your child to explore the WHY of his choices will help him learn to regulate emotions and behaviors. It will also help him to being the process of verbalizing his needs, feelings, and wants.
Emotions
Have you ever heard the term, “Just let them cry it out?” It is usually used in referring to sleep training, but I have heard it used in other situations as well. I do not believe in letting your child “cry it out”. A cry from a baby, especially a newborn, is his main way of communication. He cries for many reasons-hunger, pain, loneliness, tiredness, being uncomfortable, the list goes on. So, to place your baby in isolation and let him cry until he stops is just allowing him to give up on you coming to him. He will eventually stop, but because he believes you aren’t coming.
During the first few months of life, he is learning so much, and part of that is learning to build attachment and how to trust care-givers. This sets the tone for the rest of his life. If he knows he can trust to have his basic needs met, then he will be more independent later in life. Parents who consistently respond to the needs of their baby before he gets distressed, and prevent crying, are more likely to have children who are independent than the opposite. Soothing care is best from the beginning. Once patterns of stress get established, it’s much harder to change them.
As my daughter has grown, and developed a vocabulary, we have started trying to name emotions. At the age of four, it is still something we are working on. It is a hard concept for a child to grasp, but by consistently trying to name them, it helps her be able to express herself in a more complete and accurate way. Help your child recognize when she is mad, sad, frustrated, happy, angry, and so forth. She can start to use “I Feel” statements, to help to identify what she is feeling. Also, let her know it is OK to feel all of the emotions she feels.
Sleeping
Probably the most controversial parenting topic, is how your child should sleep. I didn’t set out to be co-sleeping parent, but we have been doing it for four years. She actually slept in her bassinet/crib until about 10 months of age. But when her dad left, and we went though that life change, I put her in the be with me one night, and she’s never left.
I know that this is a very personal decision, but for us, it works. We have a consistent bedtime routine, and I feel like it is a great quality time for us. We are able to talk about our day, snuggle, read, and she knows I’m right there. If she wakes up in the night, I am right there to comfort her, hold her, talk to her, or provide any other needs she may have. I know she will eventually outgrow this and want to be in her own bed/room, so, I’m not concerned about the future.
There is a lot of research regarding this topic- some for it, and some against. I am of the belief that you know yourself and your family better than anyone, so do what works for your situation. For us, it has been tremendously positive and healing for us to sleep in the same bed. I encourage you to try it if you are considering it, safely of course, and see if works for you.
Her Body
Have you ever been so tired and grumpy you just wanted to lay in bed and eat ice cream all day? Our kids have those days too!! Their people, just like us and have bad days……just like we do! Have you ever heard of the term “Hangry”? My daughter is the Queen of Hangry! I know before we do anything, I HAVE to feed her.
Children do not have control over most of the things in their lives, and sometimes we unfairly expect them to function and stay on the schedule of adults. Are you constantly “going” all day (activities, errands, family time, car time) without stopping to rest or evaluate what your little one needs? Could you be causing his behavior with realizing it? Possibly, so pay attention to your child throughout the day. Is he hot? Does he need a nap? Does he just want to cuddle? Pick up on his cues and don’t forget to slow down for him. His behavior may be a clue into how he is feeling, and he is trying to communicate is needs with you through it.
I also watch my “self-talk” in front of my daughter. While negative self-talk is not good for me either, I never want my daughter to hear me call myself fat or ugly. I try to only say positive things about my body. I also never talk about her body, other than being healthy. The other adults in her life know this as well. We do not say things like “You’re getting such a big tummy” or anything along those lines. Part of my positive parenting belief is to create a safe space for her to discuss her body without feeling like she has to appear a certain way for society.
Model Kind Behavior
If you want your kids to be kind and respectful, then you must be kind and respectful as well. When you are out, do you lose your temper easily? Do you yell in traffic? Your child is watching. When you handle your emotions well, calmly explain what you need, and are patient with others, your child will learn that behavior. If your child spills juice all over the floor, and you yell at her, what are you teaching her? Nothing. But, if you tell her that mistakes happen and its ok, and then help her clean it up, you’ve now taught her an important lesson. Everyone makes mistakes. It’s normal. And, if we take responsibility for our mistake, we might be more careful the next time.
Positive Parenting Wrapped Up
Positive parenting, to me, is simply about raising children that feel safe, secure, attached, and respected by you. There are so many choices that we, as parents, must make every day. Choose kindness, respect, and love. Every time. Your child is a person, with feelings, so treat him that way. Help him understand his feelings. Meet his needs. Slow down, and spend quality time every single day. Let him know there is nothing more important than your relationship with him.