I’ve been a single mom since my daughter was just shy of a year old. Making that transition, especially suddenly, is very hard. I really hope to bring you multiple posts about single motherhood , but this one is for those of you who find yourselves struggling with the unexpected leap into being a single mom.
Whether through divorce or by becoming a widow; by choice or by force, let me start by saying these two things:
-I am so sorry you are going through this
-You WILL be ok
Sudden life change is difficult
When my ex told me he was leaving and wasn’t coming back, I instantly lost ALL support from him. Financial, Emotional, Physical…..poof, gone. That is a lot to cope with. You will find yourself in survival mode, but I promise you won’t stay there forever. But during this transition, there are a few things you need to focus on:
1. Look at your budget. Cut anything unnecessary immediately. Stop any automatic subscriptions you may have. You may not be able to pay all of your bills without your spouse’s income. You may not have a job. Get in the car right now and head to the bank. Open an account in your name. If need be, open one in your moms name and use that. Whatever you need to do to put a little money back or yourself and your kids, do it.
2. Evaluate your living situation. I was fortunate enough to have a great landlord. He agreed to negotiate down my rent for 3 months until I could figure something out. I eventually did move in with my parents for a few months, but I had tried to avoid that for as long as possible. I wanted stability for my daughter. Maybe you need to move. Maybe you need to get a roommate. For right now, do what you have to do for you and your children, and if that means a small 1 bedroom, that’s OK.
3. Try to provide as much stability as you can for your kids. Do not change their daycare or school if you don’t have too. Do not move to a new town. If you have to move houses, try to make their room look the same as it was before. Familiarity will help some during this period of instability. Your kids may not understand what is going on or why things are changing and they need to have some sort of normalcy. Kids thrive on routine and schedules, so keeping a routine will ease the transition for them.
4. Find a good Counselor. It is really important to have someone to talk to during this time of your life. If you can’t afford one, most churches offer free sessions with a pastor or minister. You will have so many emotions….anger, sadness, hurt, confusion….you need to be able to safely talk through these with someone trust worthy.
5. Take care of your health. While you may not be sleeping or eating well, try to eat right when you can. Make healthy decisions regarding food. Drink your water. Take a bath every now and then to relax. Can’t get to the gym? Take the kids to the park or on a walk. Fresh air and exercise can go a long way. The last thing you need is to get sick or end up hospitalized during this process.
6. Evaluate your job. This is a hard one, but it is very important that your job pays you enough to be able to support your family. Maybe you need to find a job. Maybe you need better hours. Maybe you need a boss that is understanding to the fact that you are going through something rough. All of these things are reasons to possibly look for something else.
7. Feel your feelings. It is OK to cry in the shower. It is OK to be a complete mess when you get back in the car after dropping the kids off at school. The pain of suddenly being alone is huge. For me, it was as if someone had literally ripped my heart out of my body. It’s normal and OK to have these feelings, just don’t stay there. I realized shortly after my daughter turned one that I had been sad for too long. One day, I laughed and she looked at me with crazy eyes. It occurred to me she had probably never heard me laugh. Right then, I decided I needed to make an effort to be a “happy mom”, even if by force. And you know what? I eventually became a happy mom from pretending to be one.
8. Love your kids, hard. Provide them with so many hugs and kisses that they will never question if they are loved. Give them your attention when you are with them. Put the phone down, turn off the TV and play. Playing with your kids is telling them that they are important. Don’t worry about buying them treats and toys, just show them your love and they will feel safe and secure when they are with you.
9. Never, ever forget that God loves you and will not leave you. You are NOT alone. No matter how bad you are hurting, God is with you. God will bring you through and will comfort you. You only need to seek Him. Isaiah 41:10
This immediate transition is probably the hardest one you will ever make, but you will not stay in survival mode forever. You will eventually settle into a routine that works for you and your kids. You will find a new sense of normalcy and things will start to look up. I hope you can find a sense of peace knowing that this is only part of your journey and not your destination. Please reach out to me if you need support. I have walked this road for 4 years and have learned a lot during this time!